kickin' it with b

Peace Chappy

2008-04-04T10:48:00.002-04:00

I got me an email this morning from Doug Chapman. King of the Basement. The man. Creative director of the year. He asked about the blog. He wanted to kick it with b. And I'm sure you would like to, too.

So let's Kick It.

Kick with me, people. Enjoy my awesomeness. I am here, I am rocking, and I am kicking.

Alive.

Kicking.

Peace.

I AM BACK!!!!!!!

2007-06-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I took a little high ate us, but I am back and better than ever.

Where have I been, you ask? Two words:

Art Director Camp.

I have been away sharpening and honing my skills, giving it my all so I can give YOU the art direction you deserve. I am here to kick it so you can kick right along with B. True dat.

So what do you say? Are you with me? Let's get together again. Unity. You and me. You and B.

Peace.

Rock out.

ROLL!!!!!

Advertising

2005-08-11T10:38:00.000-04:00

As possibly the greatest unknown art director in all of advertising, I thought I might give my site more focus. So at least once a week, I will write something advertising related.

Today I won't, because my TV wasn't working last night, and I haven't seen anything to comment on today. I hate when my TV doesn't work. Finally, I plugged it in and everything was fine. But at that point it was midnight, and I had to go to bed.

Peace out.

b

My apologies

2005-08-10T15:45:00.000-04:00

Fans,

I'd like to apologize for the absence. I recently traveled to Romania, and I returned with a case of skeevies. As a result, I've been chronically making stinkies for the last two weeks.

But alas, things are better now. So... oh no. No, they're not better. I have to run before something bad happens in my pants. I'll be back in a day or so.

-b

Offensive advertising

2005-07-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

It's recently come to my attention that people are very upset when advertising is racy. Sexual innuendo is rampant (like here and here). And I think people are right to be upset. Sex is bad and evil and should be tucked away and never spoken about so that we can all forget that sex exists.

At the same time, people are forgetting one of the worst offenders of sexual innuendo: ads with kids in them. Because let's face it - you can't have kids without having sex. Every time I see a kid in an ad, I think, "Yech. Some guy stuck his noodle in some woman's Yipee Hole to make that kid." Children are the embodiment of sexual innuendo, and if we cannot stop them from being used in ads, we will all have to suffer these horrible thoughts of men thrusting their swollen Happy Sticks into their wife's Yick Catcher. And that's wrong.

To join me in my quest to remove children from ads, click here. Thanks.

-b

Great site

2005-07-25T16:08:00.000-04:00

As an art director, I think it's my responsibility to let you know when someone has just nailed the design of a Web site. And this guy has done it (WARNING: Mature content). He's inspired me not just to go new places with my design, but also to explore life's endless possibilities. Bravo.

-b

Happy birthday to me

2005-07-20T11:54:00.000-04:00

Wherever you are, celebrate. Take a moment to appreciate the day I was given to you. For today is the day I was born.

-bernie

Don't forget......

2005-07-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

Hey all you fans of Kickin' It With B - tomorrow, July 20, is my birthday. So remember to send me some love and kick some birthday wishes at me. I'll be hanging out eating cake and blowing out candles, enjoying the fruit of my labor. Kiwi.

And a special message to anyone else out there born on July 20: happy birthday, from Bernie!

Bernie, out.

An Announcement

2005-07-18T18:24:00.000-04:00

I've decided that when I approve something, you'll know it. This will help you decide what in life is worthwhile. This comment is Bernie Approved.

Just a thought

2005-07-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

A lot of people say this: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get."

I was thinking about this over the weekend. I spent about 8 or 9 hours trying to decide whether or not this saying is accurate. And this is what I concluded: yes, it is accurate. Life is like a box of chocolates.

More on Anonymous (Moron Anonymous)

2005-07-14T20:26:00.000-04:00

Just to be fair, here's one of my favorite poems that Anonymous has written:

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl sat in an oak,
The more he heard the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?


Why indeed, Anonymous. Why indeed.

Anonymous

2005-07-14T20:17:00.000-04:00

A lot can be said of Anonymous. He has written many good poems, for one. But I am quite perplexed by the fact that he is so taken with blogs, and my blog in particular. This must be a common problem, because my "settings" allow me to block Anonymous. Obviously, Anonymous is out of poem ideas, and has taken to bashing people who have the courage to blog.

This I say to you, Anonymous: Eat my sack.

The word of the day, Anonymous, is "nutsack-eater." It may not be difficult to figure out what it means, but that's what you are. Jackass.

Annoying

2005-07-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

I hate it when fancy schmancy bankers get all holier than thou. I thought I'd be smart and open an account. They sent a wise-ass reply. I sent this lovely letter:

Mr. Joseph Walker, MD
Cryobank, Inc
3450 Buena Vista Drive
Palm Springs, CA

Dear Sir,

I would like to open an account at your bank, but I would like to know the answer to a few questions before.

1. What is the process I will have to go through in order to bank my sperm?
2. How do I know that my current sperm is viable and worthwhile to bank?
3. What is the minimum balance of sperm, to keep the account?
4. Do you offer direct deposit?
5. Does insemination with thawed sperm increase the likelyhood of having an abnormal child?
6. How can I be certain that my sperm isn't contaminated by specimens in other accounts?
7. Do you offer overdraft protection?

Thanks,
Bernie.

Brian Bernier
Somerville, MA

They sent this reply:

Mr. Bernier,

I will use small words, so as not to confuse you. We are a sperm bank. There is a difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank. At a sperm bank, we do not have things like direct deposit. Direct deposit would be, basically, sex. You directly deposit the sperm in a woman. We do not provide that service.

You cannot overdraft sperm. You do not make withdrawals. Again, a withdrawal might be something you do with an actual woman. In your case, I suggest an early withdrawal so you do not father any extremely stupid children.

As for whether your sperm is worth storing in a bank, allow me to assure you that it is not. Please stop writing to us, and please do not send any more samples. It smudges the ink on the envelope when you do that.

Sincerely,
Dr. Walker

I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I deserve this mean response. Jerks.

-bernie

Career Change?

2005-07-06T13:57:00.000-04:00

Maybe I should change careers. I'm an art director by trade. I create. I paint pictures with a mouse. I change perceptions with my hands.

But I'm writing up a storm lately - blogging, anti-blogging, counter-blogging - you name it. I can do with a pen what snakes do with venom, baby. I poison and kill. Poison and kill.

The word of the day is: thrasonical. Learn it. Use it in a sentence. I am being thrasonical in this post. Poison and kill. I rock.

Bernie, out.

Superman Wins

2005-07-01T23:28:00.000-04:00

Just a quick news update. Lex Luther has died. Superman finally is free of his arch nemesis. After being a thorn in Superman's side for so long, Luther was a pop singer. While we can all breathe a sigh of relief, I'm sure even Superman feels his loss. As evil as he was, Luther's "Here and Now" and "Endless Love" will remain R&B classics.

MOVIE REVIEW: War of the Worlds

2005-06-30T23:07:00.000-04:00

What can I say. I saw War of the Worlds today, and I was extremely disappointed. This movie was not even close to what was advertised.

First of all, the whole damn movie was a frigging VW Beetle. No shit. A VW Beetle driving around with Lindsay Frickin Lohan. And what the hell? I saw commercials, and in the commercials I was promised this:

1. That crazy bastard Tom Cruise
2. That cute little girl South Dakota
3. Aliens

There was none of this. There was only a goddam Beetle driving around. And Michael Keaton.

My final review? Piece of crap movie. Lies. Promises of alien destruction, and nothing but one long Volkswagen commercial. I asked for my money back, and they told me I was stupid.

Screw them.

It's not so much the heat...

2005-06-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

The humidity is frizzing my hair. This sucks. Seriously.

Last night, I spent a lot of time shopping for product and trying out new hairstyles, and now I have to deal with this humidity. Crap.

It's not easy being me.

The big word of the day is: platitudinous. Look it up. Use it in a sentence. You have been schooled.

Batman Begins

2005-06-28T13:31:00.000-04:00

MY MOVIE REVIEW
Last night, Pam and I went to see Batman Begins. The reviews have been so good, I was really excited. However, the film didn't meet with my expectations. Having recovered the $100 I thought I lost through the hole in my pocket, I decided to splurge on the large popcorn/large soda combo. Pam and I sat down and watched the previews, and then huddled in our seats anticipating watching Batman, Robin, Commisioner Gordon, and Alfred up to their latest hijinks.

Holy letdown, Batman! This film had nothing I've come to love about the Caped Crusader. His wit, his gray outfit, and the red Batphone. Where was the Joker? The Riddler? Catwoman? Where was the cool Batmobile (the Ford Futura that Adam West drove)?

This sucked! Instead, we were tortured into watching Batman's beginnings, his training, and his love for some chick. Everyone knows Batman had a secret thing for Catwoman, who wasn't even in the movie.

In the end, the best thing about this movie was the large popcorn, which got stuck in my teeth. I don't think this movie should have been called Batman Begins. It should have been called Some Batman Impersonator Begins.

Success!

2005-06-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I've done it. I've grown a kick-ass moustache. I had always wanted a handlebar moustache or a pencil-thin moustache like the evil dudes in the movies. At the same time, I couldn't pitch and I had no desire to tie ladies to railroad tracks.

After some discussion with my wife (thanks Pam!), I came up with a moustache design that complimented my chins. I think it's working well, and I've gotten a lot of thumbs-ups from passers-by.

The only problem now is that people keep confusing me with Tom Selleck. This is not such a bad thing, you might think. But one of the people who thought I was Tom Selleck was this huge guy who had a bone to pick with Mr. Selleck. I barely escaped that one, but upon showing him the tattoo on my bum, he knew it was a case of mistaken identity.

Oops

2005-06-27T15:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, the $100 was in my other pocket. Whew.

Hole in my pocket

2005-06-27T15:07:00.000-04:00

Well, there's a hole in my pocket. Which got me thinking: Is it still a pocket? Or is it just a hole? Weird, isn't it? The way pockets mess with your mind like that? It's enough to make you go mad with thought.

To test my theory, I put a quarter in my pocket, and it fell to the ground. From this I deduce:

1. It is not a pocket
2. It is a hole
3. Now I know what happened to that $100 I can't find

With that in mind, ff you find $100, please return it to me.

I Rule

2005-06-27T11:28:00.000-04:00

I am writing this because the world is full of bloggers who don't know what they're talking about. They are either:

1. Simple minded
2. Not funny
3. Not in English
4. Stupid

So I am here to right the wrongs. To fill your minds with words fo wisdom. Smart words. Big words. Like "defenestrate." And "viscosity." And "Wrestlemania."

Prepare yourself to be educated.