Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I hate it when fancy schmancy bankers get all holier than thou. I thought I'd be smart and open an account. They sent a wise-ass reply. I sent this lovely letter:

Mr. Joseph Walker, MD
Cryobank, Inc
3450 Buena Vista Drive
Palm Springs, CA

Dear Sir,

I would like to open an account at your bank, but I would like to know the answer to a few questions before.

1. What is the process I will have to go through in order to bank my sperm?
2. How do I know that my current sperm is viable and worthwhile to bank?
3. What is the minimum balance of sperm, to keep the account?
4. Do you offer direct deposit?
5. Does insemination with thawed sperm increase the likelyhood of having an abnormal child?
6. How can I be certain that my sperm isn't contaminated by specimens in other accounts?
7. Do you offer overdraft protection?


Brian Bernier
Somerville, MA

They sent this reply:

Mr. Bernier,

I will use small words, so as not to confuse you. We are a sperm bank. There is a difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank. At a sperm bank, we do not have things like direct deposit. Direct deposit would be, basically, sex. You directly deposit the sperm in a woman. We do not provide that service.

You cannot overdraft sperm. You do not make withdrawals. Again, a withdrawal might be something you do with an actual woman. In your case, I suggest an early withdrawal so you do not father any extremely stupid children.

As for whether your sperm is worth storing in a bank, allow me to assure you that it is not. Please stop writing to us, and please do not send any more samples. It smudges the ink on the envelope when you do that.

Dr. Walker

I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I deserve this mean response. Jerks.



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