Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Offensive advertising

It's recently come to my attention that people are very upset when advertising is racy. Sexual innuendo is rampant (like here and here). And I think people are right to be upset. Sex is bad and evil and should be tucked away and never spoken about so that we can all forget that sex exists.

At the same time, people are forgetting one of the worst offenders of sexual innuendo: ads with kids in them. Because let's face it - you can't have kids without having sex. Every time I see a kid in an ad, I think, "Yech. Some guy stuck his noodle in some woman's Yipee Hole to make that kid." Children are the embodiment of sexual innuendo, and if we cannot stop them from being used in ads, we will all have to suffer these horrible thoughts of men thrusting their swollen Happy Sticks into their wife's Yick Catcher. And that's wrong.

To join me in my quest to remove children from ads, click here. Thanks.


Monday, July 25, 2005

Great site

As an art director, I think it's my responsibility to let you know when someone has just nailed the design of a Web site. And this guy has done it (WARNING: Mature content). He's inspired me not just to go new places with my design, but also to explore life's endless possibilities. Bravo.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Happy birthday to me

Wherever you are, celebrate. Take a moment to appreciate the day I was given to you. For today is the day I was born.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Don't forget......

Hey all you fans of Kickin' It With B - tomorrow, July 20, is my birthday. So remember to send me some love and kick some birthday wishes at me. I'll be hanging out eating cake and blowing out candles, enjoying the fruit of my labor. Kiwi.

And a special message to anyone else out there born on July 20: happy birthday, from Bernie!

Bernie, out.

Monday, July 18, 2005

An Announcement

I've decided that when I approve something, you'll know it. This will help you decide what in life is worthwhile. This comment is Bernie Approved.

Just a thought

A lot of people say this: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get."

I was thinking about this over the weekend. I spent about 8 or 9 hours trying to decide whether or not this saying is accurate. And this is what I concluded: yes, it is accurate. Life is like a box of chocolates.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

More on Anonymous (Moron Anonymous)

Just to be fair, here's one of my favorite poems that Anonymous has written:

The Wise Old Owl

A wise old owl sat in an oak,
The more he heard the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard.
Why aren't we all like that wise old bird?

Why indeed, Anonymous. Why indeed.


A lot can be said of Anonymous. He has written many good poems, for one. But I am quite perplexed by the fact that he is so taken with blogs, and my blog in particular. This must be a common problem, because my "settings" allow me to block Anonymous. Obviously, Anonymous is out of poem ideas, and has taken to bashing people who have the courage to blog.

This I say to you, Anonymous: Eat my sack.

The word of the day, Anonymous, is "nutsack-eater." It may not be difficult to figure out what it means, but that's what you are. Jackass.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


I hate it when fancy schmancy bankers get all holier than thou. I thought I'd be smart and open an account. They sent a wise-ass reply. I sent this lovely letter:

Mr. Joseph Walker, MD
Cryobank, Inc
3450 Buena Vista Drive
Palm Springs, CA

Dear Sir,

I would like to open an account at your bank, but I would like to know the answer to a few questions before.

1. What is the process I will have to go through in order to bank my sperm?
2. How do I know that my current sperm is viable and worthwhile to bank?
3. What is the minimum balance of sperm, to keep the account?
4. Do you offer direct deposit?
5. Does insemination with thawed sperm increase the likelyhood of having an abnormal child?
6. How can I be certain that my sperm isn't contaminated by specimens in other accounts?
7. Do you offer overdraft protection?


Brian Bernier
Somerville, MA

They sent this reply:

Mr. Bernier,

I will use small words, so as not to confuse you. We are a sperm bank. There is a difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank. At a sperm bank, we do not have things like direct deposit. Direct deposit would be, basically, sex. You directly deposit the sperm in a woman. We do not provide that service.

You cannot overdraft sperm. You do not make withdrawals. Again, a withdrawal might be something you do with an actual woman. In your case, I suggest an early withdrawal so you do not father any extremely stupid children.

As for whether your sperm is worth storing in a bank, allow me to assure you that it is not. Please stop writing to us, and please do not send any more samples. It smudges the ink on the envelope when you do that.

Dr. Walker

I don't know about you guys, but I don't think I deserve this mean response. Jerks.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Career Change?

Maybe I should change careers. I'm an art director by trade. I create. I paint pictures with a mouse. I change perceptions with my hands.

But I'm writing up a storm lately - blogging, anti-blogging, counter-blogging - you name it. I can do with a pen what snakes do with venom, baby. I poison and kill. Poison and kill.

The word of the day is: thrasonical. Learn it. Use it in a sentence. I am being thrasonical in this post. Poison and kill. I rock.

Bernie, out.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Superman Wins

Just a quick news update. Lex Luther has died. Superman finally is free of his arch nemesis. After being a thorn in Superman's side for so long, Luther was a pop singer. While we can all breathe a sigh of relief, I'm sure even Superman feels his loss. As evil as he was, Luther's "Here and Now" and "Endless Love" will remain R&B classics.

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