Thursday, June 30, 2005

MOVIE REVIEW: War of the Worlds

What can I say. I saw War of the Worlds today, and I was extremely disappointed. This movie was not even close to what was advertised.

First of all, the whole damn movie was a frigging VW Beetle. No shit. A VW Beetle driving around with Lindsay Frickin Lohan. And what the hell? I saw commercials, and in the commercials I was promised this:

1. That crazy bastard Tom Cruise
2. That cute little girl South Dakota
3. Aliens

There was none of this. There was only a goddam Beetle driving around. And Michael Keaton.

My final review? Piece of crap movie. Lies. Promises of alien destruction, and nothing but one long Volkswagen commercial. I asked for my money back, and they told me I was stupid.

Screw them.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

It's not so much the heat...

The humidity is frizzing my hair. This sucks. Seriously.

Last night, I spent a lot of time shopping for product and trying out new hairstyles, and now I have to deal with this humidity. Crap.

It's not easy being me.

The big word of the day is: platitudinous. Look it up. Use it in a sentence. You have been schooled.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Batman Begins

Last night, Pam and I went to see Batman Begins. The reviews have been so good, I was really excited. However, the film didn't meet with my expectations. Having recovered the $100 I thought I lost through the hole in my pocket, I decided to splurge on the large popcorn/large soda combo. Pam and I sat down and watched the previews, and then huddled in our seats anticipating watching Batman, Robin, Commisioner Gordon, and Alfred up to their latest hijinks.

Holy letdown, Batman! This film had nothing I've come to love about the Caped Crusader. His wit, his gray outfit, and the red Batphone. Where was the Joker? The Riddler? Catwoman? Where was the cool Batmobile (the Ford Futura that Adam West drove)?

This sucked! Instead, we were tortured into watching Batman's beginnings, his training, and his love for some chick. Everyone knows Batman had a secret thing for Catwoman, who wasn't even in the movie.

In the end, the best thing about this movie was the large popcorn, which got stuck in my teeth. I don't think this movie should have been called Batman Begins. It should have been called Some Batman Impersonator Begins.

Monday, June 27, 2005


Well, I've done it. I've grown a kick-ass moustache. I had always wanted a handlebar moustache or a pencil-thin moustache like the evil dudes in the movies. At the same time, I couldn't pitch and I had no desire to tie ladies to railroad tracks.

After some discussion with my wife (thanks Pam!), I came up with a moustache design that complimented my chins. I think it's working well, and I've gotten a lot of thumbs-ups from passers-by.

The only problem now is that people keep confusing me with Tom Selleck. This is not such a bad thing, you might think. But one of the people who thought I was Tom Selleck was this huge guy who had a bone to pick with Mr. Selleck. I barely escaped that one, but upon showing him the tattoo on my bum, he knew it was a case of mistaken identity.


Okay, the $100 was in my other pocket. Whew.

Hole in my pocket

Well, there's a hole in my pocket. Which got me thinking: Is it still a pocket? Or is it just a hole? Weird, isn't it? The way pockets mess with your mind like that? It's enough to make you go mad with thought.

To test my theory, I put a quarter in my pocket, and it fell to the ground. From this I deduce:

1. It is not a pocket
2. It is a hole
3. Now I know what happened to that $100 I can't find

With that in mind, ff you find $100, please return it to me.

I Rule

I am writing this because the world is full of bloggers who don't know what they're talking about. They are either:

1. Simple minded
2. Not funny
3. Not in English
4. Stupid

So I am here to right the wrongs. To fill your minds with words fo wisdom. Smart words. Big words. Like "defenestrate." And "viscosity." And "Wrestlemania."

Prepare yourself to be educated.

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